Instead of saying hi to my husband with a quiet hug while we waited for our coffees, I went in the kitchen to get the paper towels and cleaning spray...Then I cleaned up some soft shit...Some nice, stinky, runny shit...
I sent some emails before I did yoga. I worked out before I cleaned. I had lunch before I normally do.
Then I ran some errands. I answered the phone to find out my friend's parents are getting a divorce. It was hot and muggy instead of cold and rainy outside. I ran the errands, got home, planned my yoga class for later that afternoon. My husband got home, got inspired and invited our friends over for a drink. It was nice to see them. We talked, and before I knew it it was time for my yoga class and the phone was ringing.
My student/friend had brought a painting I had commissioned her to do. It looked nothing like I had expected it to, but I fell in love with it immediately upon laying eyes on it.
Class went by faster than I could explain. And afterwards, we sat and talked, and somehow ended up hanging out for over two hours. There were unexpected fried chicken sandwiches our friends had brought over earlier, so we had dinner, some wine, and talked about our lives, our art, our families, our relationships.
Wednesdays are normally not like this, but our talk, and our hanging out, was just what the doctor ordered.
The day had been so different, yet I had accepted every second of it. I didn't try to fight any of the derailing, I just focused on being present and dealing with everything one step at a time. In the end, it ended up being a wonderful day, perhaps because I was so present and accepting.
As I thought of my day, I thought of relationships, and how we have such a hard time accepting the unexpected when it comes to family, friends or even significant others.
I once had a friend name Michelle. I made a mistake, hurt her feelings, and lost her. I beat myself up, I asked for forgiveness to no avail, and tried to practice acceptance for myself, for my mistakes, for my imperfections and the fact that I had simply fucked up. It took time, and lots of energy, but eventually, I let go and forgave myself.
Today, as my friend and I talked about mistakes and regrets, I thought of Michelle. I realized, that just like today, what happened between her and I was unexpected by both of us.
Nonetheless it was life, and we are humans, living life. And humans are not perfect. We make mistakes, and our strength is not in preventing them, but in how we react to them.
I realized, that just as our past relationships and the mistakes we make in them, teach us a little more about ourselves, about what we need in a relationship, and how to become a better version of ourselves maybe our past friendships and the mistakes we make in them, do the same.
We live, we learn, we grow, and somehow we are more open and prepared for the people we will meet along the way. Maybe, the end of some friendships makes room for new ones, just like the end of a romance frees us for another one.
Loosing Michelle was painful, but I learned from my mistake, and as I chatted with my friend today and in all honesty we revealed some of our deepest fears I realized that something unexpected was happening yet again: I might have lost Michelle, but it seemed like I had found a new one.
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